Christmas
by Lillei
Summary: Kinda sad. Christmas for Remus hasn't been the same since he was bitten.


I know it's a bit late for a Christmas fic, but the idea has been bouncing around in my it a New Years Eve present.

Love,

Lillei

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was Christmas morning and I was eight years old. I should have been excited, but I wasn't because this year was different. Only a few months before, a werewolf had bitten me. Only a few months before, I had lost the only two things I really held dear.

I awoke but it felt like any other morning since It happened. There were no tree, no decorations, and most certainly no presents. I was an evil, dark creature and it seemed that Mummy and Daa didn't think I had the soul in me to celebrate such a pure holiday.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again, it was the time of festivities, but this year, the second since It happened, there were decorations. I was excited. I thought I would be celebrating Christmas this year. I thought the festivities were for me. But Christmas eve I was sent upstairs with a book I'd read a hundred times. My parents stayed downstairs and had a party. I heard a voice I hadn't heard in a year. It was the voice of Romulus, my twin. But when I tried to open the door, I found out Mummy and Daa had locked it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The night of my tenth Christmas, I was in the office. The house was decorated but again I was not allowed to attend. I had begged and begged for the office tonight. There were more books and more entertainment. Plus, this was Randal's old room.

How I cried that night. How I missed Randal.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was eleven, I went to Hogwarts by the grace of God and, more known to me, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. He was my hero. I should have told someone that. I should have told him that. But I never did.

Despite the fact that I was at my shelter in the storm, as I liked to consider Hogwarts, I was quite pleased to receive a letter from my parents telling me to come home for Christmas. I showed the letter excitedly to my new friends. Sirius didn't even grump and compare my parents hospitality to his family's disgust, that's how happy I was. That's how much it showed.

I thought it was great- why ask me home unless they loved me? Why ask me home unless they missed me?

But as soon as I arrived, I discovered the truth to my parents 'hospitality.' Mummy and Daa sent me off to an unorthodox- not to mention muggle- 'soul seeker' who had promised them he could search for my soul and force it to reenter my damned body. The side effects could have been fatal, he said, because my soul would have to wrestle with the evil within and could loose the fight. But Mummy and Daa were willing to take that chance.

If that soul seeker found and forced my soul back into my body, the theory was that I would become a harmless wolf shape shifter- or animagus, as my mother told me.

"These Wiccan muggles can do limited magic, but it's all science," Mummy told me then. "So when he says shape shifter, he means animagus. That's just not what they call it."

I went through a series of painful shock treatments, which were supposed to scare up my soul from wherever it was hiding, deep inside me. Later, I was beat and forced through séances and the eating of strange 'all natural' foods. When my parents came for me a week later, the soul seeker informed them that my soul was too far gone to be arisen from within me.

My soul, which I never thought I had lost in the first place, might have been safely buried deep inside me, but my emotional and physical state was quite harmed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For the next five years, my Christmas vacations were spent in much the same way. With me being at school, Christmas and Easter breaks were the only time Mum and Daa could schedule me to be 'healed.' In their minds, every new thing that came along was the miracle cure.

I had stopped believing in miracles.

Even the nights when I heard Romulus and Randal's voices floating from downstairs. I'd killed Randal. He was dead. And Romulus might as well have been.

There were no miracles for me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During my seventh and final year, I waited with an air of anxiety for the letter to come from my parents, demanding me home. To my immense surprise, the offending letter never arrived and when I sent an inquiring letter to my parents, they told me with an attitude of uncaring obligation, that no one would take me to heal. I was too old and too far gone.

Despite their callous brush-off, I was ecstatic to be staying with my friends. I told them excitedly in the common room as we cut History of Magic one day, waving the letter around and doing what must have looked like an insane dance. Sirius laughed and jigged with me, while Peter sniggered and clapped his hands. James stared at us like we'd lost our mind. Though Sirius was a normally aloof and haughty boy, he was also a joker and a fun-loving friend who shed his self-important mask in our presence.

"Now you can finally spend Christmas with us," Sirius pointed out, mocking my dance moves.

"They say mockery is the highest form of flattery," I tell him, and he raises his eyebrows with a head shake that matches the beat of our silent music. "This will actually be my first time celebrating Christmas since I was seven or eight." I try to sound offhand.

"You haven't had Christmas since you were bitten?" Sirius asked, getting it immediately.

"Why not? This is an _outrage_! It's _child deprivation_!" James huffed, his cheeks turning red.

"But you go home every year," Peter squeaked in apparent confusion.

"Perhaps it's time for you to tell us what you do over breaks, Remus," Sirius gently said to me. I stopped dancing and shook my head.

"It's no big _deal_ you guys-"

"_It is_," Sirius probed. His persistent tendency was rather annoying, though I was humbled my his sincerity.

I could have just told them about the breaks. But I knew the real story started a long time ago, when I was bitten. I'd never told them the details. I sunk into a chair and sighed deeply.

"Nine years ago, I was a perfectly normal child," I said, rubbing my face tiredly. This was were I would start.

**Flashback, July 1968**

_"Randal! Rom! C'mon, I wanna play in the woods!" I called to my older brother and twin. I was older than him by three minutes and of this I was very proud. Randal ambled over to me, all smiles and good nature because he'd received his acceptance letter to Hogwarts earlier that day. Romulus, however, looked doubtfully at the sky. _

_"It's dark," Romulus said, almost regretfully. "It's a full moon and you know what Mummy says about full moons-"_

"_We know kid," Randal said with a smile. "C'mere, give me high five before you leave us." Romulus slapped hands with Randal and then gave me a glowering smile._

_Both Romulus and I knew that in their family, it was survival of the fittest. Randal was Mum and Daa's favorite. So it was dog eat dog when it came to us twins fighting for their attention. I was a bit more tenacious, but Rom was a brownnoser. He did everything our parents said. He was a suck up and a fake but I loved him anyway. Had I been_ any good _at sucking up, I would have as well._

_I wished I could impress his parents with my skills in the academic area; they were rather advanced for my age. But Randal had that job and though he was older than me, my studies went unnoticed. In a way, I wanted to break Mum and Daa's rules. I thought maybe that would get me noticed._

_I was very wrong._

_**----------------------**_

"Him going inside is the last thing I remember before waking up in St. Mungos. Mum and Daa thought I was still asleep. I wish I had been."

_**---------------------**_

_"Why'd it have to be Randal? I could have lived without _Remus_…but not Randal…I can't believe this is happening…my_ baby!_"_ _It was my mother's voice._

_"At least Romulus was smart, at least he came through okay. But we have to keep him away from Remus…he's all ready taken one of our sons…we can't let go of Romulus as well!"_

_"But you know child authorities won't let us due away with him- they act like it's a civil rights act, but you know it's because no one wants to deal with those kind of- of creatures! And I can't live without my Romu-Romu-Romulus!" Mummy wailed. A single tear fell down my cheek._

_"We'll send him to my mother's…we'll floo in to see him every day…"_

_"But Remus isn't allowed to see him." Her voice was hard._

_"Of course not, Honey," Daa cooed. "Remus is nothing to us anymore. He is an animal, a beast we must care for until it's put out of it's misery. But Romulus…Romulus is our everything- our future. Let's be glad he didn't die as well. Let's focus on him."_

_"I'd rather Remus_ _died_ _than Randal."_

_"We can't change that, honey," Daa drawled._

_"I have no love in my heart for a_ beast_."_

_**----------------------**_

"Oh, Remus, she didn't say that…" Peter asked, his voice higher than normal.

"That's an _abomination_, that is!" James roared.

Only Sirius understood. Only Sirius knew what it was like, to live with a family that hated you. He put a comforting hand on my shoulder and squeezed it like brother. It brought tears to my eyes.

"I've been having testing done over breaks," I said. "To cure me, you know?" I do not go into the details. I don't need to. Every day, the media is blasting tabloid stories about the new ways to cure 'the darkest.' Or new ways put them- us- out of our misery.

"They didn't do those things to you?" James asked, as if afraid of the answer. I am afraid to give him one.

"We'll have a real Christmas this year, Remus. You just wait and see." Sirius's face was set. I few grateful tears snake down my cheeks and I smile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_Shhh_, be quiet, don't wake him-"

"You are the loudest _shusher_-"

"I said be quiet-"

"**OUCH**!"

_"Peter!"_

"I stubbed my _toe_-"

"Quiet!" I muttered, pulling the pillow over my ears. "I'm trying to sleep."

"Sorry," came the abashed whispers. I drifted off again, only to be awaken by someone pulling my curtains back.

"C'mon, Remus, it's Christmas," Sirius whined, pulling me from bed.

"Here, here's your robes," James chimed in.

"And a hairbrush," eager Peter said, shoving it under my nose.

"Thanks you guys. Why are you so excited?"

"It's Christmas! Hurry up, your presents are downstairs," James laughed.

"…I get presents?"

"Of course!" They chorused with big grins.

"Didn't you ever get the presents we sent you before?" Sirius asked. My silence must have told him the answer.

"That's okay, we'll make it all up today!" James broke in.

"But I didn't get you guys anything…I mean, I didn't think…and I don't really have money…"

"Don't talk nonsense, Remus!" Sirius said, holding out my robe so I could push my arms through the sleeves. "We didn't get you presents so that we could get some. We got you presents because it's Christmas and we love you and want to see you have a good time for once."

I smiled.

"I'm all ready."

"Wait until you come downstairs!" James said excitedly, grabbing my arm and pulling me down the stairs.

"Happy Christmas Remus!" A crowd of people greeted me.

"Wow!"

It was a party. Half the people were still in the dressing gowns and pajamas. The tree was glowing and decorated, presents piled under the tree. A table was filled with punch, lemonade, and toast. The remaining Gryffindors- Lily Evans, Patricia Ann Perkins, Greg and Frank Longbottom, and several loweryearswere standing there, grinning like idiots.

"We heard you've never done _Christmas_!" A little first year with big blue eyes and pretty brown hair said. A fourth year cuffed her over the head, but she dodged his hand and smiled up at us, tripping up the stairs to get to me. "We wanted to show you a real Christmas." She hugged me around the leg. Laughing and crying ever so slightly, I laughed and picked her up, swinging around precariously on the staircase.

"Why are you crying?" She asked, worried, putting a warm and tiny hand to my cheek and brushing away the tears.

"There are two kinds of tears, Tanya," I said, remembering the little girl's name from when I'd helped her with her homework. "One kind is when you're sad. And one kind is when you're overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed can come from being frustrated, or sad, or happy. I'm happy overwhelmed." Tanya hugged me and wrapped her legs around my waist, refusing to remove herself even when the present unwrapping began.

Everyone had gotten a gift. All the presents were buried under the tree and people laughed and excitedly showed off their new stuff as they opened them, package by package. I noticed he'd gotten the most of anyone and grinned like a maniac.

I noticed James and Sirius conversing in low, hurried voices. Sirius nodded and tried to slip discretely from the room. No one questioned him; instead, knowing smiled graced the lips of every person.

"Will you be my _daddy_, Remus?" Tanya asked in a cute little girl voice. I looked at her and suddenly remembered that she had lost her parents to Voldemort just before school had started. The room had suddenly fell quiet, but I smiled and chuckled a bit.

"I'll be your stand-in daddy. No one can take the place of your real daddy. He lives in here," I put my hand over her heart, suddenly feeling very big compared to her. "But I can be there for you when you need me, like a daddy. How's that sound?"

Tanya nodded enthusiastically.

"Now I've become overwhelmed!" She gasped dramatically, wiping her eyes a bit. The crowd laughed. The tension broke. Tanya got up and ran over to get a bow that was on the floor, placing it on my head.

"Remus," a voice said behind me.

I got up and brushed the bow from my hair, turning around. And stopped dead.

"Do you know who I am?" The mirror image in front of me asked. "I've been looking for you. I wanted to see you. I've been looking for you."

I stared at him.

"It's me Remus. It's Romulus. I don't care about what happened that night. I love you. I miss you."

I came forward slowly and touched my twin's face. I think I was afraid it was a hologram that might disappear at any moment. But his skin was real and solid to the touch.

Romulus suddenly gripped me in a hug.

"Happy Christmas, Brother. Happy Christmas."

Suddenly I believed in miracles.


End file.
